As a mom of two, I’ve experienced those moments when everyone in the house is asking, “Mom, where is my…?” while I’m simultaneously planning dinner, remembering it’s picture day tomorrow, and mentally noting we’re low on toilet paper. That invisible mental checklist that never ends? That’s the mental load motherhood brings, and it’s very real.
FREE RESOURCE: Before we dive in, I’ve created a “Mental Load Assessment & Redistribution Workbook” to help you identify your invisible work and create a practical plan to share it. Click here to download it now or keep reading to learn more about managing the mental load.
What Is the Mental Load and Why Does It Weigh So Heavily on Mothers?
The mental load is sometimes called invisible labor or cognitive labor. It refers to the constant planning, organizing, remembering, and managing that keep a household functioning. It’s the job of keeping track of everything that needs to be done, not just doing those things.
Research shows that even in households where physical chores are shared equally, women still shoulder approximately 70% of the mental load. This isn’t about remembering birthdays or dentist appointments. It’s about being the family’s project manager, constantly updating the invisible spreadsheet in your mind.
The Science Behind the Load
Studies from the American Psychological Association have found that this invisible work contributes significantly to maternal burnout and decreased well-being. When your brain is constantly tracking details, switching between tasks, and planning ahead, you’re experiencing what scientists call “cognitive overload”…..and it’s exhausting!!
“I used to wonder why I felt so tired when I hadn’t done much ‘work’ that day. Then I started tracking all the decisions and mental management I was doing—over 300 in a single day. No wonder I was exhausted!” -Mom of 3
Recognizing Your Mental Load: The Invisible Checklist
Do you find yourself:
- Keeping track of everyone’s schedules, appointments, and commitments
- Monitoring household supplies and planning ahead for replacements
- Remembering developmental stages and adjusting accordingly
- Maintaining relationships with extended family and community
- Researching solutions for family challenges (from sleep training to college applications)
- Planning meals with everyone’s preferences and nutritional needs in mind
- Organizing family events, holidays, and celebrations
If you’re nodding along, you’re carrying a significant mental load. The first step to managing it is recognizing it exist and that it’s legitimate work…so good for you!!!
5 Evidence-Based Strategies for Lightening the Mental Load
1. Make the Invisible Visible
Research in family systems shows that making implicit work explicit helps families distribute it more fairly. Try these approaches:
- Create a family “command center” where all appointments, tasks, and responsibilities are visible
- Use shared digital tools like family calendar apps that everyone has access to
- Cozi Family Organizer App is a great example of a digital option that allows you to track everyone’s activities on place!
- Hold weekly family meetings to discuss upcoming needs and distribute responsibility
2. Redistribute, Not Just Delegate
There’s a crucial difference between delegating tasks and redistributing the mental load. When you delegate, you’re still responsible for remembering, assigning, and following up. True redistribution means transferring ownership of entire domains.
Instead of saying: “Can you please schedule Emma’s dentist appointment?”
Try: “You’re in charge of the kids’ dental health, tracking appointments, scheduling, and taking them in.”
3. Practice Strategic Abandonment
According to work-life balance research, letting go is as important as taking on. Ask yourself:
- Does this task align with my family’s core values?
- What would happen if this didn’t get done?
- Is there a simpler way to accomplish the same goal?
Sometimes the answer is to simplify, sometimes it’s to outsource, and sometimes it’s to let it go entirely.
The Role of Partnership in Mental Load Management
In my own marriage, the turning point came when my partner understood that managing the household was actual work. It wasn’t just “knowing stuff.” This partnership approach is essential to creating balance in motherhood and establishing a healthier family dynamic. Here’s what helped us:
- Reading research together about cognitive labor and its impact
- For us this was really me summarizing what I know, but him being opening to hear it!
- Documenting everything I tracked for a week (the list was eye-opening)
- Identifying his strengths and where he was accessible and building domains of responsibility around them
- Accepting different standards in how tasks get accomplished.
- This is letting go of having it done “your way”. This is hard when you feel like what you do works. But if you can get something off your plate and still gets done, it’s worth it!!
Honestly this wasn’t an overnight fix, but having language to discuss the invisible made it possible to share it.
Creating Mental Load Management Systems That Stick
The most sustainable approach combines:
- Externalized memory systems (apps, lists, visual reminders, dedicated planners like momAgenda which are specifically designed to track family schedules and responsibilities)
- Clear ownership boundaries (who’s responsible for what)
- Regular maintenance conversations (weekly check-ins….SO IMPORTANT!)
- Self-compassion when systems fail (because they will sometimes)
Remember that perfection isn’t the goal, progress is. Every bit of mental load that gets redistributed creates more space for you to breathe, think creatively, and be present.
From Overwhelm to Ownership: My Personal Journey
When I first learned about the mental load concept, it was like finding the missing puzzle piece. Suddenly, I understood why I felt constantly exhausted despite having “help” around the house.
The change began with a simple list of everything I kept track of mentally. That list became the basis for conversation and redistribution. Was it awkward? Yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
Now, years later, I’m not free from mental load (that’s not realistic), but it no longer consumes me. The constant background hum of tracking has quieted, making space for more joy, more creativity, and more presence. When things do get off track, we have a conversation and course correct. It’s a game changer!
Your Next Steps: Small Changes, Big Impact
Start with just one area where the mental load feels heaviest. Perhaps it’s meal planning, kids’ activities, or household maintenance. Document everything that goes into managing that domain, then work with your partner to transfer genuine ownership.
Remember: this isn’t about “helping you” with “your responsibilities”. It’s about creating a family system where the invisible work is seen, valued, and shared.
Ready to transform your mental load into shared responsibility?
Download my free “Mental Load Assessment & Redistribution Workbook” to identify your invisible work, create a shareable inventory, and develop a practical redistribution plan. This 17-page guide includes conversation scripts, tracking templates, and a step-by-step system for creating lasting change.
→ Click here to get your free workbook
Plus, when you download the workbook, you’ll receive my weekly “Balanced Mom Blueprint” emails with evidence-based strategies for reducing overwhelm and increasing well-being.
Join the Conversation
Have you struggled with the mental load in your household? What strategies have helped you manage it?
Share in the comments below! Your insight may be exactly what another mom needs to hear today.
Quick Poll: Mental Load Management
What aspect of the mental load feels heaviest for you?
- Keeping track of everyone’s schedules
- Meal planning and grocery management
- Managing children’s developmental needs
- Household maintenance and organization
- Social and family relationship coordination
- Something else (share in comments!)
Your responses help me create more targeted content to address your specific challenges!
About the Author: Jaime is a senior college instructor with a M.S. in Family and Developmental Studies. She is a certified health, life and mastery coach. She is married with two teenage sons. Throughout her journey of balancing motherhood, career and life she has become an advocate for maternal health and well-being. She believes that when Moms thrive, families flourish.
References
- Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609-633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007 ↩
- American Psychological Association. (2021). Stress in America™ 2021: Pandemic Stress One Year On. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2021/sia-pandemic-report.pdf ↩
- Offer, S., & Schneider, B. (2011). Revisiting the Gender Gap in Time-Use Patterns: Multitasking and Well-Being among Mothers and Fathers in Dual-Earner Families. American Sociological Review, 76(6), 809-833. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122411425170 ↩
- Robertson, L. G., Anderson, T. L., Hall, M. E. L., & Kim, C. L. (2019). Mothers and Mental Labor: A Phenomenological Focus Group Study of Family-Related Thinking Work. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 43(2), 184-200. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684319825581 ↩
- Damaske, S. (2020). Job Loss and Attempts to Return to Work: Complicating Inequalities across Gender and Class. Gender & Society, 34(1), 7-30. https://doi.org/10.1177/0891243219867916 ↩
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